Cohen Lucas McFarlin

I had all intentions to write everything down about Cohen's birth soon after it happened. Life was just a little crazy, and I needed to finish my last week of my accounting class. After getting through my final and final project, I just didn't feel like writing or doing much on the computer.

It is crazy that is has been almost three weeks since I had Cohen. He has been amazing! We couldn't have asked for a better baby. It has been a little adjustment adding him to the family, but we all love him so much! I love watching Landon and Cohen together! It is so cute how excited Landon is to be a big brother.

This pregnancy was by far harder than my pregnancy with Landon. I am so thankful that I was able to be pregnant this one last time (my doctors said no more) but it was a very trying pregnancy. It wasn't just physically trying but mentally and spiritually as well. There were a few times that I wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it through. Luckily I have an amazing husband and family that were there for me to help me through.

I had been having contractions for about four weeks before our scheduled induction. Every week at my appointment the doctor would say he could come anytime. We were sure he would come early, but it didn't happen. Our induction was scheduled for the day I was 39 weeks. Thursday the 10th of September arrived, and we woke up, got ready, called to make sure they had room, and then just went in.

At first they put us in a room that was further from the nurses station. When they were getting everything set up the machines were not working right so they decided to move us, and we ended up being right across from the nurse's station. I joked with Keith that the problem patient's go across from the nurse's station (I may have cursed us a little). After getting settled in and all the monitors hooked up they asked how I was feeling and what I was dilated to at my last appointment. I told them I was at at three on Tuesday, and they said that I could have an epidural anytime and got my Pitocin started. I wanted to wait awhile to get the Pitocin going and working before I got the epidural.

I texted my dad and told him how things were going. He reminded me how fast things went with Landon and told me I should probably get the epidural sooner than later. When the nurse came in the next time, I told her I wanted the epidural.Within 5 min, I had an anesthesiologist in my room getting me prepped for the epidural.It took some time to get in because the needle didn't get in the right place the first time. Once it was in I could immediately feel it working. It was about 8:45ish and I were only at 4 cm. They started to have some issues getting the heart rate and the contraction reading on the external monitors, so they had to put in internal monitors to get a better reading.

About 9:15 they came in and said there were some dips in the baby's heart rate with contractions and if there wasn't improvement and /or progress in dilation we may be looking at a c-section. I did my best to keep calm because I knew how important it was for my heart. With the epidural in I could not move my legs at all so Keith would come and move them and rub them to make me more comfortable. Nurses kept coming in every 20-30 min to turn me to help keep the baby's heart rate up and to check the progression of dilation. Around 11:20 I was feeling a lot of pressure and as I was thinking of calling the nurse she walked in to check everything because the baby's heart rate was not doing well again. I told her I was feeling a lot of pressure, and she checked my dilation and I was 10 cm, and the baby was very close to coming out. I had Keith call my mom quickly to have her get to the hospital asap since she was about 20 min away. Then everything went a little crazy.

The nurse quickly ran out and got the charge, nurse. When the charge nurse came in she did not like how the baby;s heart rate looked and decided they needed to call a code white which means they need a doctor right away to help deliver. Within a minute, there were about 25 people in my room to get things ready to deliver. There was a doctor I didn't know, respiratory therapist, the NICU team, multiple nurses, and techs. They were trying to get a hold of my doctor who was in the clinic. The doctor who came is wasn't an OB, but he said he used to deliver babies a few years ago. Again I tried to stay calm. Some of the nurses were turning me back and forth every few minutes to try and get the baby's heart rate to stay up.

The doctor and some of the nurses stood and watched the baby's heart rate for a few minutes since that was the biggest concern. Someone got a hold of my doctor, and he said he would be there in 10 min. The doctor that was in the room he got gowned up and said he felt that the baby would be ok for the 10 min but if my doctor were any longer we would be delivering the baby without him. The doctor and nurses crowded around the monitor again to keep track of the baby's heart rate. Keith and I were trying hard to be as calm as possible; it was a little hard with everything going on.

About 8 minutes later the doctor that was in the room with us said I needed to start pushing so he could see how the baby would react. With the next contraction, I started pushing. The baby's heart rate dipped even lower. The doctor said to wait a minute, and he got on some gloves, and everyone got ready to deliver the baby asap. Before he could have me push again, my doctor walked in, and some techs were already working on getting him gowned and ready. The doctors talked and with the next contraction my doctor said we needed to get the baby out and I needed to push hard. I was so happy to see my doctor. I have been seeing him for about six years, so we have a very good relationship, and I trust him.

The next contraction came, and I pushed as hard as I could. In the middle of pushing, my mom got there. I was so happy to see her and to have her there for the delivery. About four or five pushes in Cohen was out, and it was so unreal. There was the baby that had been curled up inside me for the last few months. Once he was out he was quickly rushed over to the nurses so they could do an assessment on him. My doctor then told us that he had the cord wrapped around his neck, and that was why his heart rate would drop with every contraction.

I was so relieved and happy that he was out and crying because that meant he was breathing. He was born at 11:58. He was 7lbs 4 oz and 19in long. After a few min they nurses let Keith bring Cohen over to me to see him up close. He was so tiny and so perfect. He had the cutest little whimper. I just held him close and loved every minute of it. I handed him to Keith and my mom so they could hold him for awhile. The hospital I was at does the post delivery assessment in the room, so they took care of all that before I was transferred to the Mother/Baby unit.

As I was being wheeled down to my new room, I could hear Landon's little-excited voice. He was telling everyone he saw that he was going to meet his new brother. I got settled in the room, and Landon came barreling in. He jumped up on the bed, and I gave him a big hug. Then he wanted to see his brother. He was so excited to hold him. They are going to be the best of friends.

From the beginning, he was a great eater and great sleeper. It has been so amazing to have Cohen join our family. It is amazing how you aren't sure if you can give more love and then you have a child and your love just grows immediately for them. I love being a mom to my two boys, and I feel so blessed to have been able to have two healthy beautiful boys.

From My Experience

Normally I keep my opinions and personal experiences to people who I am close to. With certain things that have come up in the news, I have this feeling that I need to say something and not just to the people I know. Some of the things that I will write about are personal and very sensitive but for some reason I feel it should be known. I don’t need sympathy. What I want is understanding and the education of people who have not experienced some of the terrible things I have.

There is a lot in the news about a certain family and the things that their son did when he was younger. I 100% percent agree that what he has done is horrible and inexcusable. That is not what I am here to discuss. What I want to give is a perspective of the victims. The individuals who are often forgot about because everyone is so focused on the perpetrator.

Here is a little background to why I know what I am talking about. Through various times in my life, I have experienced times of being that victim, being the one who was sexually molested or raped. Unfortunately, it wasn't a one-time thing. It started when I was 3 or 4 and happened multiple times, with different individuals, through the course of my life. It is something that isn’t easy to discuss. Each incident is burned into me memory, and I can’t forget. I have gone to counseling and various other things, and I have done extensive research on my own and I have found a way to continue in life.

When I was 3 or 4, I truly believe that the individuals involved were young and didn’t know what they were doing. They were cousins who were just a few years older than me. From the counseling I have received and the research I have done these boys were not trying to be sexual or cause harm there were just interested in the differences between boys and girls. I hold no resentment toward them or what happened.

What I had to go through when I was 11 was probably the worst experience of everything I have gone through thus far. What happened then caused more harm and hurt in my life than anything else I have ever experienced. I was not raped but the sexual molestation I went through was horrible. It was someone who I looked up, someone who I loved. I thought of this individual as an older brother who was there for me and would always protect me. For those reasons, it was the worst experience because I never expected someone so close to me to use that trust to do something terrible.

I did not tell my parents for years after it happened. Even though I knew what had happened was horrible and that I could tell the cops I didn’t want anything bad to happen to him. I still cared about him, and I didn’t want to deal with cops or the law or anything like that. What I ultimately wanted was for my parents to hear what happened and accept it and love me. Not all victims want their perpetrator in jail or have a record. Sometimes that isn’t want they need. If I had to go through a court trial for what happened I would be more scared and hurt than with what I went through.

I believe that there are time and incidences in which getting in contact with the authorities and relying on the justice system are necessary and good. Some victims need it and want it. There are good things that can come from that route but in this incidence I didn’t need or want it. I think I partly didn’t tell anyone because I was afraid of having to go through the judicial system. Sometimes we are so anxious to find who did it and punished them that we don’t look deeper, we don’t find the cause.

For the parent who has their child come to them to tell them something like this happened, first, give your child love. Your child has gone through something horrible and probably very confusing (I remember thinking how can something so wrong cause such good feelings). Next, give your child the opportunity to tell you what they want. Sometimes they are not ready to give every detail. It is very hard because sometimes when a victim tells their story they have to relive it in their mind for the next few days or weeks. Don’t immediately jump to conclusions and try to “fix” the problem. Ask your child what they need. Calmly explain to them their options. They may need counseling or they may not. Also, sometimes they will need to see a few counselors before finding one that they associate with and trust. I ended up going through five before finding one who honestly changed my life.

Parents need to realize that this is not something that is a quick fix, and it may take years for things to improve. What they have gone through is horrible and will be with them for the rest of their lives. Parents should remind their children that what they have gone through does not have to define the rest of their lives, it is what they do to overcome the experience and move forward that will affect their lives.

The world today is so sexualized, and women are made to be this mysterious idealistic vision of an object to be used for pleasure. Not to excuse anything, but I can’t imagine how confusing it is for some teenagers to understand sex and sexuality. I have learned how important it is to teach children when they are young about sex and the differences between boys and girls. The teachings CANNOT be abstinence only teaching. These kids need to understand what sex is and how things work. It is one thing just to tell them about their parts or the parts of the opposite sex. It is so much better to explain to them why sex feels good and why certain feeling is felt.

My other experiences with sexual abuse happened when I was in my first two years of college. They ranged from being drugged and waking up with someone inside of me to what is known as relationship sexual abuse. With each experience, I wanted different things. In the relationship, I just wanted him to apologize and understand that when I said no I meant no. There was only one instance that I truly wanted someone to be put in jail for what they did to me. I tried and it was not a very good experience.

The guy was a horrible person. What he did was intentional and he knew what he did was wrong and unwanted. When the cops went to talk to him, he just denied that I ever said no and because we were both over 18 there wasn’t a whole lot that could be done. The cops I talked to was very kind about the situation and was even a little tearful when he was telling me what my options were. He told me that I would spend more money and energy and time trying to defend what happened to me than was worth it. He said the case wasn’t strong enough to have a slam dunk case. He apologized and told me he had daughters and wished there was something more that could be done. It was hard but at that time I was so emotionally drained and so depressed with everything that had happened in the last few years that I was just done fighting.

Looking back I am glad that I didn’t press charges on any of my perpetrators. There are some things that I would have changed, like telling my parents sooner about the experience when I was 11. It took many years to forgive this person because of the relationship that we had previous to the incident. If I had wanted to go the legal route to find redemption, it probably would have ruined his life. I never want to intentionally ruin someone’s life unless they truly deserve it.

I believe that people make stupid mistakes and should have an opportunity to be forgiven for what they have done. Sometimes people need love and not punishment. A lot of time, people need some counseling and understanding and not hatred and punishment. I have learned that you never know what truly is going on with other people. You don’t know what experiences they have had that have lead them down the path they are on.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. I still have incidences when I wake up at night not being able to breathe because I had a bad dream or a panic attack. I am also still very cautious about making close relationships because I still have this part of me that is convinced that people close to you hurt you. It is possible to more forward after hard experiences. It is possible to find someone you trust and love and who respects you 100% after being sexually abused.

Family, Baby, School... Life Continues

Landon loves the train

It has been awhile since I have blogged... Ok, it has almost been a year. This past year we have seen some changes in our lives. A few months after moving into our home I graduated BYU. It was so good to be finally done. In August, I started a new job and ended up completely leaving my old job. It was very sad, but it was time to move on. After some thought and discussion, we decided that I should go and get my MBA. I started at the end of September at the University of Phoenix. I go to campus once a week for class, and it is very friendly to those that are working and have other things in life besides school.

One is never enough

So the biggest change for us is that in January we found out we were pregnant again. It was unexpected. We have been trying for over a year and tried many different things, and medications, and nothing was working. My hormones were completely off and was not ovulating with any medication. Personally I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I thought it would never happen again for us. We were about ten days from meeting with a doctor to discuss surgeries or IVF, when we found out we were pregnant!

*Disclaimer this is a little more personal and my complete opinion on things so if you don't want to read that just skip down*

I have to say before I start talking about the pregnancy. I am very grateful that I have been able to get pregnant this one last time. I know that I am lucky. I know that people struggle longer and go through a lot more to get pregnant. That being said it does not change how HORRIBLE pregnancy is for me. For me being pregnant, is a love/hate type of situation. For me, pregnancy is very hard and causes more problems for me than I can even name. I love the outcome I just have a  hard time with the nine months of pregnancy. There is some real emotion roller-coaster rides having such a hard time. Since it is so hard on me and because of some of the other health issues I have this has to be the last baby because I need to have a hysterectomy soon. I haven't decided exactly when that will happen, but it will happen in the next year.

Our little baby

That same day we found out I was pregnant, I was bleeding a lot and cramping like crazy. At the same time, I was starting to get so nauseated. It was a Saturday so I just kept those things to myself until I could call a doctor on Monday. I got in first thing on Monday, and they took some blood to compare with. I had to go back a few days later to get another blood test to see if my hormone levels were rising enough to constitute a pregnancy. It was a scary few days. After I got the results back, they said there were some other levels that were off, and I needed to start some medications and come back in ten days for an ultrasound.

Keith and Landon came to the ultrasound appointment with me. Landon was so excited to see the baby on the screen. We were able to hear a heartbeat that day, and it was so unreal. Ever since Landon comes up and pulls up my shirt to "look" at the baby. By this time, I was very sick and throwing up a lot. The doctor prescribed me a new medication that just recently came out to help with morning sickness. It was quite expensive, but it really did help.  It just helped, so I wasn't running to the bathroom to throw up every hour or two. Unfortunately, it didn't help that I had no appetite and couldn't be around food without being sick.

With the early scare and my hormone levels not being quite right and everything else, we decided to keep this information to a few people. I had to tell the people I worked with so they didn't think I was weird for always going to the bathroom or not being able to eat much. Other than that we just kept it to a few family members and close friends. We wanted to make sure that the baby was alright and kept developing as he should.

Landon thinks he is waving

The first trimester was horrible I was sick all the time. I ended up losing about 20 pounds because of how sick I was. I had little to no appetite. It was really hard for everyone in the family. I was so sick, and if I wasn't at work or school I was in bed. Poor Keith was pretty much a single parent for 12ish weeks. He did all the cooking and cleaning because it all made me throw up. I couldn't even open the fridge or go in the pantry without throwing up. Landon was so cute and would come rub my back and ask me if I was ok when I was throwing up. With the nausea I also had really bad GI problems, kidney stones twice, pretty bad cold, my lovely heart issue came back and once again I have become allergic to my husband...

Keith has been amazing through everything. He has been there for me and for Landon. He does everything he can without complaint. He is very supportive of everything I have going on and does everything he can to help me. We had made plans for Valentine's Day, and I was way to sick to do anything. He went out and got me a very beautiful purse because he thought flowers, candy and food would make me sick. It is so cute to see him and Landon playing together. Landon gets so excited to go hang out with dad.

Finally around week 15 I started feeling less nauseated and was able to back off the medications. It isn't completely gone but now usually a Dr. Pepper helps. I'm not sure why but it works so I won't complain; it also helps with the crazy headaches that I've been getting. I also started getting my appetite back, and it is so nice to be kind of normal again.

Baby Boy

We found out on March 31st that we were having another boy. At first we were a little disappointing since we wanted a girl with this being our last pregnancy. After talking it over, ordering the cutest blanket from A Miracle Unfolding, we thought of all the good things and decided if we really felt we needed a girl down the road we could adopt a little girl. Landon is very excited, and he will be such a good brother and they will be such good friends. Landon is already talking about playing trucks with his brother.

Doughnut Picnic 

Enough about pregnancy here is a little about Landon. He is such a smart kid. I know everyone says that about their kid but he really is getting smarter and smarter. He can tell you any construction vehicle. He knows which ones are grandpas and which ones are not. He talks so much! I think it comes from him being around so many adults, but that is ok. He loves being outside and playing at the park. He also loves reading, we sometimes hear him in his room reading books when he should be sleeping. He loves his uncle Jackson and will follow him everywhere when he is around. He is obsessed with Bubble Guppies. He can name all the charters and can repeat some of the stories back, which is so cute.


So, I will try to keep the blog somewhat updated but I have a lot going on with the family, work and school. Also in about six weeks I'll be talking four classes in twelve weeks so I can have a little break when he baby comes.