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There is a lot in the news about a certain family and the things that their son did when he was younger. I 100% percent agree that what he has done is horrible and inexcusable. That is not what I am here to discuss. What I want to give is a perspective of the victims. The individuals who are often forgot about because everyone is so focused on the perpetrator.
Here is a little background to why I know what I am talking about. Through various times in my life, I have experienced times of being that victim, being the one who was sexually molested or raped. Unfortunately, it wasn't a one-time thing. It started when I was 3 or 4 and happened multiple times, with different individuals, through the course of my life. It is something that isn’t easy to discuss. Each incident is burned into me memory, and I can’t forget. I have gone to counseling and various other things, and I have done extensive research on my own and I have found a way to continue in life.
When I was 3 or 4, I truly believe that the individuals involved were young and didn’t know what they were doing. They were cousins who were just a few years older than me. From the counseling I have received and the research I have done these boys were not trying to be sexual or cause harm there were just interested in the differences between boys and girls. I hold no resentment toward them or what happened.
What I had to go through when I was 11 was probably the worst experience of everything I have gone through thus far. What happened then caused more harm and hurt in my life than anything else I have ever experienced. I was not raped but the sexual molestation I went through was horrible. It was someone who I looked up, someone who I loved. I thought of this individual as an older brother who was there for me and would always protect me. For those reasons, it was the worst experience because I never expected someone so close to me to use that trust to do something terrible.
I did not tell my parents for years after it happened. Even though I knew what had happened was horrible and that I could tell the cops I didn’t want anything bad to happen to him. I still cared about him, and I didn’t want to deal with cops or the law or anything like that. What I ultimately wanted was for my parents to hear what happened and accept it and love me. Not all victims want their perpetrator in jail or have a record. Sometimes that isn’t want they need. If I had to go through a court trial for what happened I would be more scared and hurt than with what I went through.
I believe that there are time and incidences in which getting in contact with the authorities and relying on the justice system are necessary and good. Some victims need it and want it. There are good things that can come from that route but in this incidence I didn’t need or want it. I think I partly didn’t tell anyone because I was afraid of having to go through the judicial system. Sometimes we are so anxious to find who did it and punished them that we don’t look deeper, we don’t find the cause.
For the parent who has their child come to them to tell them something like this happened, first, give your child love. Your child has gone through something horrible and probably very confusing (I remember thinking how can something so wrong cause such good feelings). Next, give your child the opportunity to tell you what they want. Sometimes they are not ready to give every detail. It is very hard because sometimes when a victim tells their story they have to relive it in their mind for the next few days or weeks. Don’t immediately jump to conclusions and try to “fix” the problem. Ask your child what they need. Calmly explain to them their options. They may need counseling or they may not. Also, sometimes they will need to see a few counselors before finding one that they associate with and trust. I ended up going through five before finding one who honestly changed my life.
Parents need to realize that this is not something that is a quick fix, and it may take years for things to improve. What they have gone through is horrible and will be with them for the rest of their lives. Parents should remind their children that what they have gone through does not have to define the rest of their lives, it is what they do to overcome the experience and move forward that will affect their lives.
The world today is so sexualized, and women are made to be this mysterious idealistic vision of an object to be used for pleasure. Not to excuse anything, but I can’t imagine how confusing it is for some teenagers to understand sex and sexuality. I have learned how important it is to teach children when they are young about sex and the differences between boys and girls. The teachings CANNOT be abstinence only teaching. These kids need to understand what sex is and how things work. It is one thing just to tell them about their parts or the parts of the opposite sex. It is so much better to explain to them why sex feels good and why certain feeling is felt.
My other experiences with sexual abuse happened when I was in my first two years of college. They ranged from being drugged and waking up with someone inside of me to what is known as relationship sexual abuse. With each experience, I wanted different things. In the relationship, I just wanted him to apologize and understand that when I said no I meant no. There was only one instance that I truly wanted someone to be put in jail for what they did to me. I tried and it was not a very good experience.
The guy was a horrible person. What he did was intentional and he knew what he did was wrong and unwanted. When the cops went to talk to him, he just denied that I ever said no and because we were both over 18 there wasn’t a whole lot that could be done. The cops I talked to was very kind about the situation and was even a little tearful when he was telling me what my options were. He told me that I would spend more money and energy and time trying to defend what happened to me than was worth it. He said the case wasn’t strong enough to have a slam dunk case. He apologized and told me he had daughters and wished there was something more that could be done. It was hard but at that time I was so emotionally drained and so depressed with everything that had happened in the last few years that I was just done fighting.
Looking back I am glad that I didn’t press charges on any of my perpetrators. There are some things that I would have changed, like telling my parents sooner about the experience when I was 11. It took many years to forgive this person because of the relationship that we had previous to the incident. If I had wanted to go the legal route to find redemption, it probably would have ruined his life. I never want to intentionally ruin someone’s life unless they truly deserve it.
I believe that people make stupid mistakes and should have an opportunity to be forgiven for what they have done. Sometimes people need love and not punishment. A lot of time, people need some counseling and understanding and not hatred and punishment. I have learned that you never know what truly is going on with other people. You don’t know what experiences they have had that have lead them down the path they are on.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. I still have incidences when I wake up at night not being able to breathe because I had a bad dream or a panic attack. I am also still very cautious about making close relationships because I still have this part of me that is convinced that people close to you hurt you. It is possible to more forward after hard experiences. It is possible to find someone you trust and love and who respects you 100% after being sexually abused.
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