My College Life

*This is a disclaimer that there are personal things in here and some of my personal opinions. If you don't like what I say that is your issue. If you don't want to read about it just don't continue reading. It is a little scattered because I am just getting things out. I'm not posting this so people to feel sorry for me. I don't want that at all. I just am tired of being asked why I didn't graduate yet.*


As I sit and watch my baby playing occasionally looking at me and smiling I really can't imagine a different life. I feel like in the last few years I have become a completely different person than I was four years ago when I graduated High School.

I've been asked a few times lately why I am not graduating college this year and really the simple answer is
life. It is not for a lack of effort it is more all the things that have happened to me in the last four years and most of them very unplanned. He is the reasons why I didn't graduate when I 'should' have and how I have changed.

I graduated high school knowing a few things not wanting kids and not wanting to get married until I was at least 28. Also I wanted to go to medical school and that was the end of it. I was not going to consider any other option. The idea of having a kid was just to much. I had so many other things that I wanted to do with my life and a kid was just going to get in the way of my dreams. Oh  how things have things changed...

Looking back at who I was when I graduated and who I was for along time after it kind of makes me a little sick. I was so worried about who everyone else wanted me to be. At least who I thought everyone wanted me to be I really lost myself. I was so worried about other people's opinion I didn't go after certain things I wanted because I was afraid of what others would think. I did things that I really didn't want to do because I was doing what I though other people wanted me to do.

It took some time but I really got a hold of what I wanted and who I wanted to be. Once I had these realizations I became a much happier person. I finally was able to realize why my parents were strict and why they mad us do and not do certain things. It was not an easy transition and there are time that I can feel myself falling back but now I have an amazing husband who is there to support me and tell me to do what I want and be who I want to be not who I think people want me to be.

A few days after I graduated high school I left for BYU. I started college very excited and very ambitions.  I was excited but I was extremely homesick. It was a very hard semester being away from my immediate family and friends. Soon after I got into my second semester I found out my family was moving out to Utah and I started not being so homesick.

In September had my first surgery of my college life. That was my first of seven surgeries that I have had to have since starting college. I've had kidney stones surgically removed twice. I was then diagnosed with chronic Kidney stones and i get them at least once a month. I then had to get my gall bladder out because I started throwing up every time I ate. Then I had to have a surgery to see why I was having really bad and painful periods. It was after that surgery that I got the devastating news that I may not ever be able to have a baby and that I had until I was 25 to have kids and then I needed to have everything taken out because I had pre-cancerous cells in my uterus. In June of 2011 I had foot surgery because it was really painful to walk. I thought I would be done but of course I was not.

I had issues when I was pregnant with my heart so a few weeks after I delivered Landon I had to go get a heart procedure done to make sure that my heart was working properly. Then the screws from my foot surgery were backing out and I had to get them surgically removed. Surgeries are not my only issue there are quite a few other things I have to keep a check on. I have at least 10 doctors that I see a few times a year. Doctors visits have just become a regular part of my life. It can get very annoying but it really has become my life. I had to learn to balance medical issues with school, work and a social life. It was not easy at all. I really think I have paid more for medical expenses through college than what I've spent on college so far.

I really hope that I am done with surgeries but I know that I really am not done. I know for sure when I am 25 I have a surgery but it will be better than having to fight cancer. There will probably be more but that is what insurance is for. I really don't know what I would do without it. I really don't understand people who are just fine with not having insurance. It would make me so nervous because you never know what could happen. I did not expect any of my medical issues and I would be in so much debt if I didn't have insurance.

In order to pay for everything and all my medical bills had had to start working full time and go to school full time. I would go to school from 11 to 4 or 6, then I would go to work from 8:00 to 4:30 am and come home and crash. It was a very hard year of working night shift and going to school full time. I know a lot of people who have to do that but when you go to a school that tries to limit students to working 20 hours not many people around understood the time commitment it took.

On top of all that I was dealing with issues from being sexually abused by people who I thought were there for me and that I could trust. There were times when I would have panic attacks during class if a male would sit next to me because I didn't want to get to know them and have something happen. I had a very very hard time trusting the majority of the male gender for a very long time. I tried very hard to hid it because I thought I was being dumb. I later learned it is very common. In all honesty I started being able to trust a male when I stated dating Keith. At the time I really wasn't sure why I felt so comfortable around him but I later learned why. The pain of sexual abuse doesn't go away but I have such a wonderful husband who lets me vent or cry or do whatever I need to to try and get past what I need to. He is always by my side and he knew that all of the pain and issues wouldn't just go away but he married me anyway and has been so wonderful.

Life the bast four years has not been super wonderful but there has been so many amazing thins that have happened that I can look past those bad things and move forward. I have so many things in life to be thankful for and I just don't see a reason to complain very much. I have so many miracles that have happened in my life that I know that I need to make the best of my situation and rely on people who will stand by me.

In my position in the hospital I talk to so many people whose life is so much worse than mine and I just can't help but be thankful for my issues when I could have it so much worse. Life is never easy but it could be worse so I think it is best to make the most of the situation you are in and if is isn't working then DO something. Don't just sit around and complain. Change things that you can and improve things you can't get rid of. If someone isn't willing to do something to help or change their situation they shouldn't be complaining about it all the time. There are times when we all need to just have a 'woe is me' moment but then we need to move on and do something.

I still have dreams and I still want to be in the medical field but not in the way I had planned when I graduated  high school. I have full intentions of finishing my undergrad and then go to physician assistant school a few years later. There are just other things that I need to do first. I need to finish my undergrad, try and have another baby and spend some time with my family. I always tell myself I can always go to school I can't always have a baby or spend time with my family. I know that I am on the track that I need to be on to get what I want in life.

I can't believe I used to not want children because Landon is my whole world. I love being married. I have such a wonderful husband who is my bigger supporter in my life and pushes me to do everything I want to do. I many not have graduated when I should have but I have so much life experience and such a different perspective that I really don't care that I didn't graduate this semester. I think I am doing the best I can. Like my mom said yesterday "I'd like to see someone where you are and accomplish as much as you have."